Happy Days!

Today has been exponentially better than yesterday.  

We get to do yoga every Friday before lunch and today I felt like I was given a new hip (minus the surgery of course). I never thought that a few poses could help me as much as they did, but I feel like a new woman. 

One of my main goals of being here is to break the dependency on my parents and that is one of the most daunting tasks that I've every set for myself. I'm scared, excited and a bit apprehensive. 

I really need to start relying on the therapists/staff/other residents here as opposed to calling friends and family when I'm upset or lonely. 

I'm very apprehensive about a lot of things, but I feel like I'm finally receiving Treatment as opposed to resisting it, like I've done many times before. 

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Update:  We are going bowling tonight to blow off steam. It'll be really nice to get to know the girls on a less clinical level. I also got a few packages from my mom tonight. It's nice to know that I'm not completely alone here.

xoxo, Sarah

Something New

I will start off today's post by saying that these posts probably will not continue to be daily. I am really trying to stay in the moment while I'm here seeking treatment. Also, I am trying to rely on the other residents and the staff that are here with me and not people on the outside who don't truly understand what is going on. I appreciate every bit of support that I've been getting and I honestly cannot thank you all enough, but I really have to start relying on other things and not using the people close to me as crutches. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet.

 I will try to keep you as updated as possible, but I cannot promise that posts will be super regular. 

Thank you for your understanding.

xoxo, Sarah

I Don't Know What to Call This Post

Today, I woke up feeling extremely hypo-manic (can't sit still, talking non stop). It feels really unnatural and weird to me. I really hope my system calms down because it's starting to freak me out.

Finding Inspiration in the Small Things

As I was having a discussion with a staff member, the topic of my photography was brought up. He then proceeded to tell me that I was more than welcome to wander around the grounds to take photos. I then decided to share them with my friends and family.

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One of our sheep, Penelope.

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The magnolia tree in our side yard just bloomed yesterday.

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The view from our deck

One of the photos I took while we went Go-Karting the other day.

I hope you feel as inspired reading this post as I did taking these photos. I hope to share more soon.

xoxo, Sarah

I Feel Terrified of the Unknown

Today marks three days since I got here. since being diagnosed as Bipolar II, I have been feeling very hypo-manic and today was the first day since the diagnosis that I feel depressed. Not in a "I want everything to end" kind of way, but more in a "I feel helpless" kind of way. This fact terrifies me.

I wish I could travel into the future to see if everything turns out alright, but I unfortunately do not have access to a time machine (if anyone does, let me know ASAP. I would love to borrow it). Not knowing if this program will help me, is horrifying. I refuse to be dependent on my parents for the rest of my life and I feel like that is the only thing that is keeping me going. 

I will come right out and say it: I'M SCARED. I'M TERRIFIED. I NEED GUIDANCE.

Sorry about the disjointed feeling of this post. I use this blog as an online journal of sorts and I write it in a "stream-of-consciousness" type of format. 

xoxo, Sarah

Overwhelmed

There are so many rules to keep track of here: wear shoes/slippers at all times, no glass upstairs, no food in the living room, No headphones downstairs, you have to be dressed to be able to come downstairs...etc. Trust me, there are more, but I won't bore you with the details because it's a lot.

Today is Earth day. As a part of our work program (which we have every morning after breakfast), we picked up trash along the side of the road. Due to my bad hip, I was on "bag-holding" duty. Halfway through, I started crying and feeling panicky and overwhelmed. So many rules, so much physical pain, so much homesickness. I came inside early to catch my breath and regroup. This made me feel even more overwhelmed because I feel like I'm not pulling my weight around here. There's a lot to be done and only so many hands. 

I don't know how I feel about my future here. There is so much adjustment to be done on my part, that even thinking about it makes me feel anxious. 

We are going Go-Karting tomorrow to have some fun. I was told that it's not a good idea for me to participate with my bad hip. It will be difficult to watch everyone else have fun while I'm sitting on the sidelines.

Please send me some extra love and support. I definitely need it right now.

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Update: I feel a bit less overwhelmed now. I don't know if its medication, the people I'm around (who are lovely, by the way) or the fact that I'm getting more acquainted with everything here (or a combination of everything). My main concern right now is going to see a doctor to see what is wrong with my hip and what I can do to not be in pain anymore. I have my parents to thank for keeping me grounded.

xoxo, Sarah

Watercolor Sunsets

Someone once said, "a picture is worth a thousand words". Well, since I am unable to take a photo of the beautiful sunset that we got here in Connecticut (damn HIPPA), I am going to have describe it. Use your imagination. 

Our living room looks out onto the grounds (we have a pen with a few animals and lots of trees). There is this very large (what I affectionately call a "naked tree", AKA no leaves, just branches). The sun sets just behind this tree, the splashes of orange, pink and blue peeking through the branches and twigs. 

I was sitting out on the porch in a white wicker chair, headphones on and an Ed Sheeran song playing, enjoying a gentle breeze and the incredible sight in front of me. 

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Update: Did anyone else get a chance to see Venus last night? It was incredible. Tonight (April 22nd) at around 10pm EST, we are supposed to see a meteor shower and i am so excited to witness such a sight!

I was so inspired by this sight that I had to share it with the world.

If I get to see this all the time, I can definitely get used to this.

xoxo 

Testing 123...

Can you connect to the blog from this link?

A Tiny Bump in The Road

Today, being the second day of being part of this program, I'm obviously still learning the ropes. As I mentioned before, taking care of a small farm is part of our chores. Every Tuesday morning, we go out and give the animals fresh water, food and hay. This process involves us having to rake out all of the week old hay that had been sitting in the stall and hauling it out. If you are unaware, I am currently healing from a broken tailbone injury. This causes moderate to severe muscle pain in my left hip. Because of this, it is very painful to do a whole lot without being medicated. 

I was walking back up the hill, wheelbarrow in hands, after dumping dirty hay into the discard pile, and I felt a sharp muscle pain. I told our supervisor, Marty, that I needed a break. She luckily cut the new girl some slack and let me go back inside to enjoy a cup of tea and take some ibuprofen. 

I just got off the phone with my mother who encouraged me to keep my eyes on the prize (AKA getting healthy). This is exactly the thing I needed to hear. 

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UPDATE: It is much later in the day now. As I am still learning the ropes, I find it very difficult to learn all of the little rules without feeling like i need to learn everything right away. I feel as though I should be doing more to help out considering that there are nine other people living here. Luckily, the girls are cutting me lots of slack. I'm trying to take everything one step at a time, but it is much easier said than done. It has just started to hit me that i will be here for an extended period of time (at least six months). This fact terrifies me. I'm beginning to feel very cut off and lonely (even in a house full of people at all times). 

Also, if you are getting these posts via Facebook, my mom has fixed the link so that you guys can enjoy my online journal. 

Best Wishes. Have a wonderful day! 

xoxo, Sarah

Getting Acquainted

I'm beginning this post at 8:45 pm on Monday night (April 20th). Today as a whole was better than expected. I was so nervous to get here. Those nerves dissipated as soon as I walked through the door. The staff is sweet and I'm getting along really well with the girls here.

As a part of our chores, we take care of a few animals and one of the girls introduced me to them today: three sheep (Penelope, Noche and BaaBaa) and a goat named Yeller. I think I'm going to enjoy taking care of the animals a lot more than I originally thought I would. 

Everyone has their assigned chores and I haven't been assigned mine yet so it has been really weird to not know what to do with myself when everyone else is cleaning and feeding the animals etc. 

The house feels super cozy and comfortable and I'm eager to get into my therapy sessions. 

I will update you guys tomorrow night on how the day goes.

Goodnight! xoxo

Settling In

Hey everyone! I got admitted into the Wellspring Foundation in Bethlehem, CT (if you need further information, feel free to Google to your heart's desire). The other residents here are incredibly sweet and have welcomed me with open arms. This place feels incredibly home-y. I'm still in the process of settling in and learning the ropes, but I'm in good hands. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Best wishes, Sarah

xoxo

Just a Little Update.

If you are not a personal friend or a family member, you probably wouldn't know that I have been struggling with my mental health a lot lately. 

Last Tuesday night, my mom brought me into a mental health facility (AKA Psych Ward) in Fort Worth (it's called Mesa Springs and it's excellent if anyone needs a recommendation). It is a crisis center but it became much more than that for me. The staff was incredible (my therapist and psychiatrist especially) and they gave me a new lease on life. There, I was diagnosed as Bipolar II. It is too difficult for me to define this for you but a quick google search should do the trick.

I am writing this post from a hotel in Queens, NY. I am now in a transition period. On Monday, I will be admitted into a program in Bethlehem, CT called The Wellspring Foundation. It is a program for young girls to transition into adulthood. I am both excited and nervous about the future but very optimistic. 

Thank you for your continued support and I will keep you as updated as I can.

New Beginnings....

As some of you know, I suffer from anxiety disorder, depression and severe panic attacks. While there isn't an exact time that I can pinpoint when this started, I'm pretty sure that I've had some form of mental illness since I was a small child. Now, I have to make it clear that I grew up in a very safe and happy home. Mental illness can creep up on anyone.

A year ago today, I was being admitted into Timberline Knolls Residential Treatment Facility in Lemont, IL. It was the single most difficult thing I've ever done and it was a real test of my perseverance. I instantly bonded with a girl named Jenny (whom I now consider one of my dearest friends). She arrived a day earlier than me and we were both struggling with our lodge's phone policy witch prevented new residents from using the phone for 48 hours. To us, it might as well been a million years. 

One of my most vivid memories from treatment was sitting with Jenny in our common room/living area (which we called "the milieu"), both of us in tears because we missed our families. We sat and talked for hours, coloring and playing with this weird putty stuff (which was very calming, I might add). I truly believe that the friendship we formed that night is something niether of us with ever forget.

The reason that i'm typing up this post is to celebrate the year of progress that I've made. I still have days in which it is very difficult, but I can power through it now. I feel happier and healthier than I have in years. 

Over the next few weeks, I will be starting college. I'm nervous for whats to come, but I'm also excited to start the next chapter of my life.

Tell me your story in the comments. 

xoxo, Sarah

Get To Know Me :)

For those of you who don't follow me on my various social media, or just don't know much about me, I thought I would answer some basic questions about myself. Here we go! 

1. What is your name? My name is Sarah.

2. How old are you? As of September 7th, I am 20. 

3. Where do you live? I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area in Texas.  

4. What is your favorite color? Either aqua or a soft pink. I love anything pastel. 

5. Do you have any siblings? I have two older brothers. Josh is 31 and Jeremiah is 29.  

6. Do you have a boyfriend? No. I am enjoying being single. 

7. Do you have a job? Not right now. I worked at Starbucks for a while and then I worked at Macy's in the cosmetics department for a while, but my health problems caused me to have to quit.

8. How did you get into makeup? YouTube! 

9. Do you have any formal training or are you self taught? I am mostly self taught. 

10. Why did you quit beauty school? Many reasons. The two main reasons were that I developed intestinal problems and I was in the hospital for a while. I also deduced that it wasn't for me.  

11. Do you have any pets? I have a nine-year-old Shih Tsu named Spunky. I also had a cat named Lio, but he is unfortunately missing at the moment. D: 

12. What's your favorite perfume? Currently, it is Elizabeth and James Nirvana Black (LOVE!).  

13. Where do you buy your clothes and accessories from? Target, Forever 21, Torrid, New York & Company, Avenue, Charming Charlie and many more.

14. What are your favorite makeup brands? Oh goodness...MAC, Lorac, Urban Decay, Makeup Forever, Too Faced, Rimmel, Revlon, L'Oreal, NYX, It Cosmetics, Bite Beauty....and so many more. 

15. Who are your favorite YouTubers? Lisa Eldridge, Shane Dawson, xsparkage, Grav3yardgirl, CopperFoxGames, Tyler Oakley, Colleen Ballinger, Shaanxo, Jaclyn Hill....I watch a lot of people...

16. What are your favorite TV shows? Big Brother, Dance Moms, Once Upon a Time, Law & Order: SVU, Criminal Minds, Hollywood Game Night, Orange Is The New Black.

I think that's all in going to answer right now. If you are curious about anything about me, ask in the comments and maybe there will be a part two! 

xoxo, Sarah

Easy and Inexpensive DIY School Supply Decorating Ideas :)

As I am starting college at the end of August and summer is coming to a close, I thought it would be the perfect time to give you guys some inexpensive decorating ideas to spice up your binders and notebooks. Let me know if you guys recreate any of these super simple designs (my various social media links are always at the top of my blog homepage). Without further ado, here are the designs that I (with the help of my best friend Kaity) came up with.

 

Monogram Binder. One of my favorites (although, I love them all.)

Studded Planner. So edgy an unique.

Studded and monogrammed notebook. Perfect mix between preppy and edgy. 

Collaged notebook. This is the most time consuming of the four, but it is super customizable and you can use all of the old magazines that may or may not be collecting dust in your house.

Want to know how I did all of these designs? I made a video on it.

Good luck in the new school year!

My Week In Pictures...

Hello loves! Long time, no blogging. I have been quite the busy bee lately. As I am writing this, I have just gotten home from Iowa for my brother's ordination (congrats Josh! I'm so proud of you!). I took some pictures along the way so I thought I would share them with you. Enjoy!

Herniated Disk

This past week or so, I have had an increasing amount of pain in my lower back. People that are following my social media are probably getting really annoyed with me harping on about my back, but as I am currently stuck in bed for a while, I have nothing else to think about.

Last fall, my mother developed a herniated disk and ended up having two injections and a surgery. Needless to say, she insisted I go see a doctor ASAP.

The doctor immediately said that it is pretty rare for a nineteen-year old to have a herniated disk, but alas, I am living proof that it is possible.

I had an MRI and I was subsequently scheduled for an injection (which is tomorrow so cross those fingers because I'm nervous).

Meanwhile, I'm on lots of pain meds and binging on chocolate and Netflix.

Have any of you had back problems? Share your story in the comments!