I now sell my photography on Etsy!!!
I am so passionate about taking photos and I wanted to share this passion with you guys! Click the link above to be taken right to my shop. I hope you enjoy! xoxo
❄ Vlogmas Day 12: Christmas in NYC! ❄
I spent some much-needed quality time with my Dad in Manhattan today. We did what we love doing most together: exploring.
If you didn't know, I will be vlogging (almost) every day until Christmas. Here was my vlog from my day in NYC.
Long time, no post.
I haven't written a blog post in almost a month. The only reason for this is that I've been embarrassed to publicize a bit of information. I attempted to run away a few weeks ago.
I got in an argument with the director of the program that I'm in and I stormed out the front door. I walked down the road for a bit until I reached an intersection where a complete stranger picked me up. I know. It was stupid. I won't go into the extremely personal questions that she asked me because frankly, I would rather forget that ever happened. I ended up in a hospital because I was very suicidal. The hospital was forced to send me back. I was so relieved to come back to the house to be completely honest.
I understand that I was stupid. Nobody needs to lecture me in the comment section. I've gotten enough of that from people here.
Currently, I am working on becoming more independent from my mother .It is proving to be really difficult. I feel as though this will become significantly easier once I start driving. My hands are tied as the scheduling of my permit test is ridiculous.
Good things are on the horizon.
"Wild" By Cheryl Strayed
Today, I finally finished the gritty and honest tale of a woman's hike over two-thousand miles from the Mojave Desert to Oregon along the Pacific Crest Trail. Wild is incredibly inspiring and left me utterly stunned.
As a person that has struggled with perseverance her entire life, this book was incredible to experience. It is a journey of self discovery and strength.
After her mother dies of cancer and her marriage has fallen apart, Cheryl Strayed decides to hike, completely alone, over two-thousand miles over rough terrain. On this journey, she discovers things about herself that she wouldn't otherwise have known. She meets a cast of characters along the trail all while telling stories of her rough upbringing and difficult past.
I found myself completely inspired and in awe of this woman and I wholeheartedly recommend this to anyone in need of a little inspiration. 5 out of 5 stars!
xoxo, Sarah
I just spent my first weekend pass in New Haven, CT with my parents. I thought I would share the photos I took with you.
The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion. I have gone from happy to anxious to severely embarrassed to lonely to anxious to calm to happy. Phew! It's exhausting.
There are a few things that happened this week that I'm not going to publicly disclose because they are embarrassing and I'm not comfortable talking about it. After this happened, I was feeling ostracized and like everyone was avoiding me, which wasn't the case, so I learned later.
I did find out from my doctor that I do officially have a herniated disk in my spine and, on that front, I'm relieved. The fact that I'm probably going to have to do physical therapy, not so much. I'm also hoping to get a weekend away with my parents, but I won't know until Friday. Until then, I will stay on my best behavior and work really hard to stay authentic and honest.
This is all I have to update you on thus far.
xoxo, Sarah
I'm anxious. There, I said it.
After almost two years of off and on back pain, it's finally come to a head. I have an MRI tomorrow and I'm really anxious to learn the outcome and the next step. Depending on what the doctors find, it could mean months of physical therapy or even surgery.
My mother had surgery on her back on Christmas Eve two years ago. Then, I didn't really think much of it. Now that it's me, I'm scared. I'm trying to take on day at a time and not get super anxious about things that haven't even happened yet, but I can't help it.
Herniated Disk (again)
Update:
I just got back from the doctor. He felt around a little and found that it was my L5 S1 disk that was the problem (same disk as last time). He pushed on that spot and I screamed in pain. He then checked the reflexes in my legs. The right side was perfectly fine. The left side however, had no response at all. He can't figure out if the reflexes went when I slipped a disk last time or if it's more recent. Either way, I have an MRI tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I'm keeping ice on it and taking ibuprofen and I'm on strict instructions to do no physical labor.
Keep me in your prayers.
<3
On Saturday night, I went to a place that evoked so much emotion that I had been burying for years. I got to share this place with my parents yesterday and it was magical.
I'm talking about Topsmead in Litchfield, CT. If you ever have a chance to go, please do. It truly is incredible. Topsmead is an English-style cottage-turned-museum set on roughly 600 acres of sprawling land. Nestled around the cottage are beautiful gardens that look out onto the rolling Connecticut hills.
On Saturday night, Suzan, a woman I now consider a mentor, took us for a walk in the fields behind the cottage. It was a dazzling sight. I thoroughly enjoyed walking along, running my hands through the endless sea of cattails and wildflowers, gazing up at the watercolor sunset. I felt at peace. I felt free.
Being able to share such an incredible place with my parents was a feeling like no other.
I felt the need to share this moment with you. If you're ever in the area, I sincerely recommend checking out my little slice of heaven.
Long time, no post!
I was encouraged by my therapists to keep a conventional journal to process things that I'm not yet ready to talk about in group, much less online. Hence, the lack of posting.
The house has been very tense lately, as expected when you have eight very different personalities living under one roof. It has been very frustrating at times to see and hear the things people do and say. My mouth has gotten me in trouble from time to time, but I'm growing from it.
Therapy-wise, I'm doing really good. My therapists see me taking strides and I'm very proud of myself for how well I'm doing. The thing I struggle with the most is staying authentic. I've always considered myself an authentic and genuine person, but when it comes to hard stuff (like therapy), I tend to put my guard up. I'm really working hard to break down this barrier but it's proving to be very difficult.
Another thing I'm working on is perseverance. This is something my parents have been trying to instill in me for forever, but so far, no dice. I did make a big stride in this department when we took a two mile uphill hike on Friday. I broke down crying multiple times, but I made it up that hill and had the best damn PB&J of my life.
Here's to new challenges!
Well, we had quite a bit of drama last night (the details will be left unsaid due to the fact that it includes a ton of other people's personal information that I'm not at the liberty to expose). This whole situation left the house stunned. It is a community issue and will be dealt with when the therapists return on Monday.
Sorry that I haven't been posting as much. I've been trying to process a lot of things and I don't feel comfortable letting the whole world know just yet.
I had a family session yesterday with my parents and I think it went pretty well. There are still some things that are left unsaid, but I'll save that for another time. The biggest thing that I got out of it was that everyone is on my side. They all want me to get better and they're only fighting me because they know I have the potential to grow.
Speaking of growing, I have decided that when I leave treatment, I will not be living at home full time anymore. Ideally, I want to get a roommate or two and live on my own, going to school and working in the DFW area. That's my plan for now at least.
So here's to new beginnings! *cheers*
It has been extremely tense around here. I'm having a hard time relaxing when I have free time because people are always having breakdowns (it's not me this time, I promise). It's frustrating when this happens due to the fact that everyone (including the staff) is on edge.
In these moments, I tend to avoid people at all costs, so I go on the porch and read or go take a shower.
I'm at the point where I can't take it anymore. I've been in and out of treatment for the last three years and I'm sick of it.
Today was (finally) a lot better.
We went to a local book sale and I scored some great looking reads (The Book Thief and The Goddess Test). The only bump in the road today was when I told a staff member that I walked on our treadmill and she told me that my therapist won't be happy with that unless I walk outside as well. This makes me feel really bad because, in my eyes, at least I'm trying (and it was raining when we got back to the house).
I feel really inferior and like I'm never going to be good enough. It's frustrating because no matter how hard I try, it's never hard enough.
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The first book in my review series on this blog will be The Selection by Kiera Cass. I highly encourage you guys would like to read it along with me and then discuss it with me when I write my review.
Thanks for listening.
xoxo, Sarah
I'm not feeling much better today.
I realize that my attitude towards people has been deplorable but that doesn't make me want to give in. I recognize that this is part of the program here and because of that, I think I need to find another program that better fits my needs. This place makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and like I'm never good enough.
I am beyond frustrated and I can't take it anymore.
UPDATE: After speaking to the director of the program, I feel a bit better. I am determined to get better and I am sick of fighting.
On another note, I would like to start blogging about the books I've been reading. I have a few books in my Amazon wishlist that I am really interested in (The Selection and Delirium), but please recommend some novels that you think I should read and eventually talk about. I like lots of YA/teen fiction for reference.
Today, a girl ran away. She had only been here for a week and a half and she ran away. They called the police and everything. The only thing we heard was that she somehow made it back home with no phone and no money. This event rocked the house this morning and we are all still reeling from it, myself included. We are not allowed to ask questions and we just get told to mind our own business.
I am sick and tired of the staff here trying to force me to walk. If I don't walk when I'm told to walk, I'm not allowed in group. This is ridiculous. They push me way too hard and I can't take it anymore. I'm so frustrated. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm ready to give up.
The only positive thing about today was that I had the first conversation with my mother in weeks without bursting into tears.
At this point, I am unable to see that the light at the end of the tunnel exists.
I've been struggling a lot lately. Extra prayers, encouragement and support are desperately needed.
Thank you
this post is a follow-up to last night's.
I had a really rough night last night. I found that I was subconsciously abandoning my chores and my responsibilities. I deeply regret it now, but in the moment, I just wanted some peace. I eventually got in trouble (even though I got really defensive in the heat of the moment) for abandoning my post.
Today we had art therapy. I have dreaded this group due to the fact that the woman who teaches it isn't my favorite person to say the least. We were told to take a piece of paper and just draw circles of varying sizes. This is what is referred to as meditative drawing. Hopefully, I will be able to show you exactly what I did eventually. I sat there for forty minutes, mindlessly drawing circles until I realized that I had relinquished the anxiety that I walked into the art room with. I now have a new coping mechanism.
Thank you for understanding why I couldn't post for three weeks (I wanted to! Trust me!).
Please remember that if you are seeing this post on Facebook or Twitter, please comment on the post itself, NOT the social media post (I hope that made sense).
Long time, no post!
I haven't had a post go up in three weeks. Unfortunately, our computer privileges were taken away due to people in the house using the computer for social media (which we are not allowed to use while we are residents here).
The last three weeks have been hell to say the least. I have been pushed past my breaking point multiple times.
The physical part of treatment has become increasingly worse. They have been trying to get me to walk daily and I've been fighting every second of it. My reason for this is that I genuinely do not believe that walking helps reduce my anxiety in the slightest. In fact, it has made me more anxious. I'm at the point now where I am practically being forced to walk and it absolutely infuriates me.
Other than that unfortunate fact, I've been okay.
I received a letter today from the woman that is house sitting for us while we are gone. She wrote me a letter to extend her support to me. I have never met this woman, but I'm so blessed to be able to correspond with her. It's good to know that I have another person in my corner.
xoxo, Sarah
I've got a lot on my mind right now.
1. I don't know how much longer I can take of living with nine other people all the time. It's exhausting. We are on top of one another and there is bound to be drama (in fact, there already has been). I'm sick of it.
2. I was told by my therapist that I will be here for around six months in total. This terrifies and angers me. I miss everything from home. I want to go home.
I'm scared. I'm angry. I can't take it anymore.
I just want to be better already.
Let's set the scene: 9:42 pm on Saturday night, sitting in a semi dark room with the movie Bachelorette on in the background. I have messy, damp hair and a super 80s-esque outfit on, a teal t-shirt from a flea market with Washington DC written on it and orange (yes, orange) leggings. I am a few sweatbands and a scrunchy away from an 80s workout video.
The reason why I told you that is that I'm learning to stay in the moment. This is proving to be very difficult when all I can ever think about is the next step.
Hopefully, this will begin to get easier in time.