Long time, no post.

I haven't written a blog post in almost a month. The only reason for this is that I've been embarrassed to publicize a bit of information. I attempted to run away a few weeks ago. 

I got in an argument with the director of the program that I'm in and I stormed out the front door. I walked down the road for a bit until I reached an intersection where a complete stranger picked me up. I know. It was stupid. I won't go into the extremely personal questions that she asked me because frankly, I would rather forget that ever happened. I ended up in a hospital because I was very suicidal. The hospital was forced to send me back. I was so relieved to come back to the house to be completely honest. 

I understand that I was stupid. Nobody needs to lecture me in the comment section. I've gotten enough of that from people here. 

Currently, I am working on becoming more independent from my mother .It is proving to be really difficult. I feel as though this will become significantly easier once I start driving. My hands are tied as the scheduling of my permit test is ridiculous. 

Good things are on the horizon.

I just spent my first weekend pass in New Haven, CT with my parents. I thought I would share the photos I took with you.

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion. I have gone from happy to anxious to severely embarrassed to lonely to anxious to calm to happy. Phew! It's exhausting.

There are a few things that happened this week that I'm not going to publicly disclose because they are embarrassing and I'm not comfortable talking about it. After this happened, I was feeling ostracized and like everyone was avoiding me, which wasn't the case, so I learned later. 

I did find out from my doctor that I do officially have a herniated disk in my spine and, on that front, I'm relieved. The fact that I'm probably going to have to do physical therapy, not so much. I'm also hoping to get a weekend away with my parents, but I won't know until Friday. Until then, I will stay on my best behavior and work really hard to stay authentic and honest.

This is all I have to update you on thus far. 

xoxo, Sarah

On Saturday night, I went to a place that evoked so much emotion that I had been burying for years. I got to share this place with my parents yesterday and it was magical. 

I'm talking about Topsmead in Litchfield, CT.  If you ever have a chance to go, please do. It truly is incredible. Topsmead is an English-style cottage-turned-museum set on roughly 600 acres of sprawling land. Nestled around the cottage are beautiful gardens that look out onto the rolling Connecticut hills. 

On Saturday night, Suzan, a woman I now consider a mentor, took us for a walk in the fields behind the cottage. It was a dazzling sight. I thoroughly enjoyed walking along, running my hands through the endless sea of cattails and wildflowers, gazing up at the watercolor sunset. I felt at peace. I felt free.

Being able to share such an incredible place with my parents was a feeling like no other. 

I felt the need to share this moment with you. If you're ever in the area, I sincerely recommend checking out my little slice of heaven.

Well, we had quite a bit of drama last night (the details will be left unsaid due to the fact that it includes a ton of other people's personal information that I'm not at the liberty to expose). This whole situation left the house stunned. It is a community issue and will be dealt with when the therapists return on Monday.

Sorry that I haven't been posting as much. I've been trying to process a lot of things and I don't feel comfortable letting the whole world know just yet. 

I had a family session yesterday with my parents and I think it went pretty well. There are still some things that are left unsaid, but I'll save that for another time. The biggest thing that I got out of it was that everyone is on my side. They all want me to get better and they're only fighting me because they know I have the potential to grow.

Speaking of growing, I have decided that when I leave treatment, I will not be living at home full time anymore. Ideally, I want to get a roommate or two and live on my own, going to school and working in the DFW area. That's my plan for now at least.

So here's to new beginnings! *cheers*

Today was (finally) a lot better. 

We went to a local book sale and I scored some great looking reads (The Book Thief and The Goddess Test). The only bump in the road today was when I told a staff member that I walked on our treadmill and she told me that my therapist won't be happy with that unless I walk outside as well. This makes me feel really bad because, in my eyes, at least I'm trying (and it was raining when we got back to the house). 

I feel really inferior and like I'm never going to be good enough. It's frustrating because no matter how hard I try, it's never hard enough. 

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The first book in my review series on this blog will be The Selection by Kiera Cass. I highly encourage you guys would like to read it along with me and then discuss it with me when I write my review.

Thanks for listening.

xoxo, Sarah

I'm not feeling much better today. 

I realize that my attitude towards people has been deplorable but that doesn't make me want to give in. I recognize that this is part of the program here and because of that, I think I need to find another program that better fits my needs. This place makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and like I'm never good enough. 

I am beyond frustrated and I can't take it anymore. 

UPDATE: After speaking to the director of the program, I feel a bit better. I am determined to get better and I am sick of fighting. 

On another note, I would like to start blogging about the books I've been reading. I have a few books in my Amazon wishlist that I am really interested in (The Selection and Delirium), but please recommend some novels that you think I should read and eventually talk about. I like lots of YA/teen fiction for reference.  

this post is a follow-up to last night's.  

I had a really rough night last night. I found that I was subconsciously abandoning my chores and my responsibilities. I deeply regret it now, but in the moment, I just wanted some peace. I eventually got in trouble (even though I got really defensive in the heat of the moment) for abandoning my post. 

Today we had art therapy. I have dreaded this group due to the fact that the woman who teaches it isn't my favorite person to say the least. We were told to take a piece of paper and just draw circles of varying sizes. This is what is referred to as meditative drawing. Hopefully, I will be able to show you exactly what I did eventually. I sat there for forty minutes, mindlessly drawing circles until I realized that I had relinquished the anxiety that I walked into the art room with. I now have a new coping mechanism.

Thank you for understanding why I couldn't post for three weeks (I wanted to! Trust me!).

Please remember that if you are seeing this post on Facebook or Twitter, please comment on the post itself, NOT the social media post (I hope that made sense).

Long time, no post!

I haven't had a post go up in three weeks. Unfortunately, our computer privileges were taken away due to people in the house using the computer for social media (which we are not allowed to use while we are residents here). 

The last three weeks have been hell to say the least. I have been pushed past my breaking point multiple times. 

The physical part of treatment has become increasingly worse. They have been trying to get me to walk daily and I've been fighting every second of it. My reason for this is that I genuinely do not believe that walking helps reduce my anxiety in the slightest. In fact, it has made me more anxious. I'm at the point now where I am practically being forced to walk and it absolutely infuriates me.

Other than that unfortunate fact, I've been okay. 

I received a letter today from the woman that is house sitting for us while we are gone. She wrote me a letter to extend her support to me.  I have never met this woman, but I'm so blessed to be able to correspond with her.  It's good to know that I have another person in my corner.

xoxo, Sarah

I've got a lot on my mind right now.

1. I don't know how much longer I can take of living with nine other people all the time. It's exhausting. We are on top of one another and there is bound to be drama (in fact, there already has been). I'm sick of it.

2. I was told by my therapist that I will be here for around six months in total. This terrifies and angers me. I miss everything from home. I want to go home. 

I'm scared. I'm angry. I can't take it anymore.

I just want to be better already.

Today was a strange, but productive day.

I'm currently working on the pent up anger I have towards my dad in regards to our cross-country move when I was thirteen. During group, I was trying to express said anger when all emotion left my body. I essentially went numb. I couldn't feel anything. This scares me because of the fact that I've always been really in tune with my emotions. I'm naturally, a very emotional person and it isn't like me to clam up like I did.

Later in the day, we went for a walk in the woods. I've recently developed a phobia of the woods. They make me feel very closed in and claustrophobic.As I was clambering through the dense brush, I kept feeling lightheaded, a shortness of breath, my heart beating out of my chest. I almost had a panic attack, but (and I'm happy to report) I didn't. 

Next week we will be losing two of our own, one of which is the person whom I have grown the closest to in the four weeks that I've been in this program. It will be extremely difficult to watch her go, for a multitude of reasons. Namely, she lives in California; I live in Texas. Even though we have multiple outlets of communication, it will be really hard to see her go. I am, however, happy for her.

I am currently learning about how to stay in the moment. I tend to get to hung up on what's happening tomorrow, next week, next year. I'm slowly, but surely getting better at staying in the moment. I don't know exactly what will happen tomorrow, and I'm trying to make that okay.

Well, I screwed up. I fell into old patterns. 

On Sunday night, I went to the hospital (as you know if you have been keeping up with this blog) for chest pains. I now know that I shouldn't have. I got more help from a few over-the-counter Tylenol than anything the ER gave me. Over the years, I have developed a habit of "crying wolf" and going to the hospital over nothing. This time, I had people from all angles telling me that I didn't need to go to the ER. I didn't listen. Instead, I continued pushing to go. In my defense, chest pains are never a good sign, and I did need to see a doctor, but it didn't need to be then. I recognize that I screwed up. ONE screw up in 4 WEEKS. I should get SOME credit for that.

I have a lot of anger towards the male director of this program. I understand that he is trying to motivate us to get healthy, but I wish he did so in a less intimidating way. I feel scared to do anything because I feel as though he is always going to have a problem with something.

Update: Thank you to my friend, Sam for making me a hand-knit elephant. It made me smile when I opened up the box and read the card. He is now proudly displayed on a shelf in my room here. For those of you that don't know, I collect elephants. If they are pictured with their trunks up, they are a symbol of good luck and prosperity. 

I woke up this morning with a really nasty cold. I can barely speak because my throat is raw. I was completely fine yesterday. I feel really guilty because I decided to take a shower and read instead of doing my chores this morning because I felt so crappy. This means that someone else had to pick up the slack.

They didn't have any DayQuil so I took some Claritin and I feel a bit better congestion-wise but my throat is killing me. It is today, more than ever, that I wish I had my mom here.

Watching people visit with their families is really making me miss mine even more. 

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, and often comment on the link, please comment on the post itself. I am unable to access any social media while I'm here. The only reason you are seeing this post on social media is because I linked my blog to Twitter and Facebook a long time ago when I made my blog. You are however, more than welcome to email me at sevenbearsarah@yahoo.com.

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Thank goodness its finally the weekend! TGIW? Whatever. 

This past week was long and trying and frustrating at some points. This is the first weekend since I've been here that my parents haven't physically been able to come visit me. They will be out of town (home to Texas and then to Chicago to visit family) for a week or so. I miss them dearly and I wish I could see them. This weekend and next weekend will be a real test of my patience and new found strength. 

We go bowling every Friday night and last night was no different, save for one thing. I felt like myself. I was joking around and laughing and I felt normal. I felt NORMAL for the first time in years.  And yes, for those of you close to me, it has been years since my diagnosis. Almost four to be exact. 

Last time I met with the on-site psychiatrist, he wasn't so sure that I display signs of Bipolar disorder. He is between Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. They are, in fact, very different. A quick Google search would suffice. The difficulty with the way my brain works is that I like definitive answers for everything. Mental health is one thing that I can't always have definitive answers. Accepting this fact is very difficult for me.

Thank you for reading this long winded post. 

Homesickness. It's really setting in right about now. I am exactly 1,699 miles from home. Yes, I did Google the exact distance from my house to where I am now.

1,699 miles away from home. 1,699 miles away from comfort. 

I have a serious dependency on my parents (emotionally and monetarily) and I'm diligently working on it, but there are moments like these where I want to lay down with my head on my mother's lap and cry. But, I am not a child anymore. I want to have a healthy relationship with my mother and it is proving to be very difficult.

 I could be here anywhere from four months to a year and that is terrifying. I'm trying my hardest to not get hung up on when I'm getting discharged. It's difficult not to think about it when I'm surrounded by people who are getting ready to leave. 

Recovery is hard. Point blank. If it wasn't hard, I would have been healthy a long time ago. 

I'm just trying to take things day by day.

Finding Strength

I'm in need of strength today. The homesickness is really sinking in. It's not even that I miss my family or that I miss my friends or my dog. I miss my house, my pool, my comfort. It's way more difficult than I ever expected here. I knew it was going to be hard, but saying it's really hard here is even an understatement. 

I'm trying to be strong but I feel so weak. 

I told my story in group yesterday and I didn't shed a tear while I spoke. That's not like me. I don't know what's happening to me.

I need strength because I cannot find it within myself and I'm scared.

I just had the best session with my therapist. I realized that it's not the place that's working this time, it's me. I feel like I'm actually getting better.

Don't get me wrong, the staff here is incredible and the programs are helping, but I think I'm just in a different place than I was when I was in treatment before.I'm still apprehensive about the physical part, but something happened today that has never happened to me before: I felt better after taking a walk after lunch. I actually felt better. Before lunch, I was anxious and tired. Then I took three laps around the parking lot and as I was walking back inside, I realized that I felt different; better.

I'm very nervous about the next few days. I'm scared that I'll be coasting off of today and just stop trying. The only way to stop that is to tell myself that that is not going to happen. 

I don't want to be the girl I was before: laying in bed for days on end and eating everything I could get my hands on. 

I refuse to be that person anymore.

 

I was told by my therapist to journal today and I consider this blog an online journal of sorts. So, here we go!

Last night I spoke to my brother, Jeremiah, over the phone. This conversation lit a fire in me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Depression is a horrible disease that affects more than we even realize.

Being the youngest/the "baby" my whole life, I never expected to see the day where my brother would talk to me like an adult. I didn't realize until my conversation with Jeremiah last night that he was talking to me like an adult because I'm ACTING like an adult. I'm making progress already and I couldn't be more proud of myself. 

I know that I have always had people in my corner, cheering me on, but I need to engage in the fight this time. I appreciate every last one of you that has supported me over the years. I can't even begin to thank you.

I'm going to continue to take it day by day.

I don't really have a reason for writing this post. The past few days haven't been particularly eventful save for one discharge (someone who I was starting to get close to), one new resident (my new roommate), a visit with my parents (which went really well, by the way), and a really rough group (I'm not allowed to go into detail, but it was really difficult). So, I guess, the past few days HAVE been eventful, crazy in fact.

On another note, this program puts a lot of emphasis on physical wellness as well as mental wellness. This has proven to be very difficult for me. We also eat relatively healthy here. I do feel as though my clothes are fitting me better/differently, but I haven't weighed myself (not that the number matters) so I have nothing to prove this. 

Having the support of my friends and family means everything. I have every card that was sent to me, on display in my room. I can't thank you enough for supporting me through a rough patch in my life.

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Update: The night I wrote this (last night) I fell down the stairs and bruised up both of my legs. I'm in a lot of physical pain currently.

Today was full of relaxing chats in the sunshine filled grass, giggles over dinner and a few tense moments tossed in for good measure. 

I'm really looking forward to my parents' visit on Sunday (I'm a tad bit apprehensive due to the fact that every time I've ever been in treatment, visits tend to go less than perfect. They usually end in tears on my end and frustration on my parents'). 

The magnolia tree in our side yard is in full bloom and I enjoy seeing the sun set behind it every evening. I cannot wait for my mom to see its beauty in person. It truly is a sight to be seen (and that's a lot coming from me seeing as I am not a nature loving person). 

I feel like I'm really starting to get close to the other residents here. In fact, one of them started jokingly calling me "Snuffles" due to my constant sniffling (my mom says I've had a stuffy nose since birth. I wish I was kidding). 

As a part of our program on Thursdays, they are taking us to the zoo tomorrow. Considering it is a very rural area, I'm not expecting much (especially since they don't even have an elephant, so I've been told. We all know how I feel about that). I'm still excited to blow off some steam and get out of the house. 

We also go bowling every Friday before dinner. Before last week, I hadn't been bowling in around a decade so needless to say, I'm terrible. But, hey, it's fun!

I am not sure how to wrap up this post except by saying that I feel as though I'm doing really well.

Thank you for your continued support!