I feel as though "doing my best" will never be good enough. 

Every Monday and Friday, we split the group into two and half of us do yoga and half of us walk. Today was my day to walk. I've been resistant to physical exertion since the day I got here and I've been very vocal about it. I get very anxious when I feel physically uncomfortable. This usually leads to panic attacks. 

Today, I was not looking forward to taking my walk because I've had a panic attack every time I've done this "contemplative walking" thing that we do. Today, I did not. And I have even better news: I've lost a significant amount of weight since being here. My clothes are fitting differently and I'm moving differently. All I've done is shift what I'm eating and adding a small amount of physical activity and the extra weight is falling off of me.

This being said, I never seem to get a break. Every time they see me doing well, they push me that much harder. I feel like what I'm doing is never good enough.

Today was a strange, but productive day.

I'm currently working on the pent up anger I have towards my dad in regards to our cross-country move when I was thirteen. During group, I was trying to express said anger when all emotion left my body. I essentially went numb. I couldn't feel anything. This scares me because of the fact that I've always been really in tune with my emotions. I'm naturally, a very emotional person and it isn't like me to clam up like I did.

Later in the day, we went for a walk in the woods. I've recently developed a phobia of the woods. They make me feel very closed in and claustrophobic.As I was clambering through the dense brush, I kept feeling lightheaded, a shortness of breath, my heart beating out of my chest. I almost had a panic attack, but (and I'm happy to report) I didn't. 

Next week we will be losing two of our own, one of which is the person whom I have grown the closest to in the four weeks that I've been in this program. It will be extremely difficult to watch her go, for a multitude of reasons. Namely, she lives in California; I live in Texas. Even though we have multiple outlets of communication, it will be really hard to see her go. I am, however, happy for her.

I am currently learning about how to stay in the moment. I tend to get to hung up on what's happening tomorrow, next week, next year. I'm slowly, but surely getting better at staying in the moment. I don't know exactly what will happen tomorrow, and I'm trying to make that okay.

Well, I screwed up. I fell into old patterns. 

On Sunday night, I went to the hospital (as you know if you have been keeping up with this blog) for chest pains. I now know that I shouldn't have. I got more help from a few over-the-counter Tylenol than anything the ER gave me. Over the years, I have developed a habit of "crying wolf" and going to the hospital over nothing. This time, I had people from all angles telling me that I didn't need to go to the ER. I didn't listen. Instead, I continued pushing to go. In my defense, chest pains are never a good sign, and I did need to see a doctor, but it didn't need to be then. I recognize that I screwed up. ONE screw up in 4 WEEKS. I should get SOME credit for that.

I have a lot of anger towards the male director of this program. I understand that he is trying to motivate us to get healthy, but I wish he did so in a less intimidating way. I feel scared to do anything because I feel as though he is always going to have a problem with something.

Update: Thank you to my friend, Sam for making me a hand-knit elephant. It made me smile when I opened up the box and read the card. He is now proudly displayed on a shelf in my room here. For those of you that don't know, I collect elephants. If they are pictured with their trunks up, they are a symbol of good luck and prosperity. 

The last time I posted something on this blog (AKA yesterday), I thought I was coming down with a chest cold. 

Now, after a night in the ER, a day of rest and lots of coughing, I now know that I have an upper-respiratory infection (possibly even bronchitis). I feel really really terrible and I'm probably going to head back to bed after writing this post but I thought you guys deserved an explanation.

Keep me in you thoughts and prayers.   

I woke up this morning with a really nasty cold. I can barely speak because my throat is raw. I was completely fine yesterday. I feel really guilty because I decided to take a shower and read instead of doing my chores this morning because I felt so crappy. This means that someone else had to pick up the slack.

They didn't have any DayQuil so I took some Claritin and I feel a bit better congestion-wise but my throat is killing me. It is today, more than ever, that I wish I had my mom here.

Watching people visit with their families is really making me miss mine even more. 

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, and often comment on the link, please comment on the post itself. I am unable to access any social media while I'm here. The only reason you are seeing this post on social media is because I linked my blog to Twitter and Facebook a long time ago when I made my blog. You are however, more than welcome to email me at sevenbearsarah@yahoo.com.

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Thank goodness its finally the weekend! TGIW? Whatever. 

This past week was long and trying and frustrating at some points. This is the first weekend since I've been here that my parents haven't physically been able to come visit me. They will be out of town (home to Texas and then to Chicago to visit family) for a week or so. I miss them dearly and I wish I could see them. This weekend and next weekend will be a real test of my patience and new found strength. 

We go bowling every Friday night and last night was no different, save for one thing. I felt like myself. I was joking around and laughing and I felt normal. I felt NORMAL for the first time in years.  And yes, for those of you close to me, it has been years since my diagnosis. Almost four to be exact. 

Last time I met with the on-site psychiatrist, he wasn't so sure that I display signs of Bipolar disorder. He is between Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. They are, in fact, very different. A quick Google search would suffice. The difficulty with the way my brain works is that I like definitive answers for everything. Mental health is one thing that I can't always have definitive answers. Accepting this fact is very difficult for me.

Thank you for reading this long winded post. 

Homesickness. It's really setting in right about now. I am exactly 1,699 miles from home. Yes, I did Google the exact distance from my house to where I am now.

1,699 miles away from home. 1,699 miles away from comfort. 

I have a serious dependency on my parents (emotionally and monetarily) and I'm diligently working on it, but there are moments like these where I want to lay down with my head on my mother's lap and cry. But, I am not a child anymore. I want to have a healthy relationship with my mother and it is proving to be very difficult.

 I could be here anywhere from four months to a year and that is terrifying. I'm trying my hardest to not get hung up on when I'm getting discharged. It's difficult not to think about it when I'm surrounded by people who are getting ready to leave. 

Recovery is hard. Point blank. If it wasn't hard, I would have been healthy a long time ago. 

I'm just trying to take things day by day.

Finding Strength

I'm in need of strength today. The homesickness is really sinking in. It's not even that I miss my family or that I miss my friends or my dog. I miss my house, my pool, my comfort. It's way more difficult than I ever expected here. I knew it was going to be hard, but saying it's really hard here is even an understatement. 

I'm trying to be strong but I feel so weak. 

I told my story in group yesterday and I didn't shed a tear while I spoke. That's not like me. I don't know what's happening to me.

I need strength because I cannot find it within myself and I'm scared.

Brace yourselves. I'm about to type something I never thought that I would say: I love gardening. Now, I know what you're thinking: "what is this girly-girl doing covered in dirt?", but I genuinely enjoy it. 

It started off as something that I was being forced to do as a part of program here. But, now that we have a full-fledged vegetable and herb garden in our backyard, I'm getting really excited about it. There's something about planting one tiny seed or plant and having it grow into something that you can cook with and, eventually, eat, that is incredible to me.

I grew up in a family where food was always the center of every reunion, get-together, party, etc. Naturally, I learned to love food of all kinds. This soon became a problem for me as (let's do a bit of math here): lots of food + little to no physical activity = gaining lots of weight.

I eventually got to the point where I was binge eating.  For those of you unfamiliar with eating disorders, binge eating is not formally considered an eating disorder by many people. In fact, I didn't realize that I even had a problem until a little bit over a month ago. 

I am learning to re-train my brain in a number of ways, my relationship with food being one of them. I'm proud to announce that I've already noticed a change. Instead of inhaling the food on my plate as fast as possible, I'm learning to slow down and enjoy what I'm eating. In doing this, I'm recognizing when I get full and I end up not overeating. When it comes to snacking, I tend to reach for healthier options like Greek yogurt and fruit as opposed to fat and carbs. I'm also learning to not get too hung up on a specific number on the scale as that leads to a whole other problem entirely, but I am proud to announce that since being in treatment, I've lost around 10 lbs. and counting.

In regards to yesterday's post, thank you to the anonymous person that wrote me that incredible comment. I was incredibly moved by your words and they came at a time that I desperately needed to read them. Thank you so much. To all of you reading this: thank you for every bit of encouragement that you have given me. 

I can and I will get healthier, mentally and physically. All one step at a time.

Today has been (excuse my language) shitty to say the least. I feel like no matter how hard I try, it's never going to be good enough. 

The last three weeks have been extremely difficult. Although I am learning new skills, I find myself slipping back into my old patterns. When the going gets tough, I get going. In other words, I give up. I am at the point now where I want to let go so desperately, but something inside of me (I don't know what it is yet) keeps pulling me back up. Today is one of those days where I'm waiting to be pulled back up.

I can't do this anymore. I'm scared and I want to go back to my comfort zone, even though I know it's not good for me. 

I'm in need of some serious encouragement. 

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 UPDATE: I'm doing a lot better now. I talked to my brother and he gave me some words of wisdom (thanks again, Jer!). I also saw the on-site psychiatrist and he switched around a few things. Overall, I'm feeling a million times better than I was.

Today has been a really trying day. I had a panic attack on our walk in the woods because it reminded me so much of my assault for whatever reason. I internalized the whole thing so nobody knew because I didn't want to seem weak. We went somewhere to get presents for our moms. And then as I was doing my chores, giving the animals water, I let the goat out of the pen accidentally. Out of frustration, I yelled at a girl who had nothing to do with it and didn't even know what happened. She just saw me crying. I apologized after I cooled off a bit but I still hate myself for it. This girl has been nothing but nice to me and we were getting really close and I just screamed at her for no reason. 

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I happen to be spending it at a spa with my mom. Speaking of my mom, I found out that my mom was in the ER today and I'm really worried about her. Luckily, my dad is awesome and was there the entire time.  She says she's fine but I know she's just trying not to worry me. 

Today was difficult, to say the least. I guess it was the world's way of testing my new lease on life and recovery. 

Due to the fact that I will be out with my mom tomorrow, I'm allowed to have my phone. Feel free to text me or contact me via social media. I just thought I would put that out there so that anyone that wants to reach out, can.

Also, you should know that I'm only allowed to have my phone when I'm out without any of the facility staff. I'll only have it for around four hours in the afternoon. 

Thanks for listening/reading/allowing me to vent.

I just had the best session with my therapist. I realized that it's not the place that's working this time, it's me. I feel like I'm actually getting better.

Don't get me wrong, the staff here is incredible and the programs are helping, but I think I'm just in a different place than I was when I was in treatment before.I'm still apprehensive about the physical part, but something happened today that has never happened to me before: I felt better after taking a walk after lunch. I actually felt better. Before lunch, I was anxious and tired. Then I took three laps around the parking lot and as I was walking back inside, I realized that I felt different; better.

I'm very nervous about the next few days. I'm scared that I'll be coasting off of today and just stop trying. The only way to stop that is to tell myself that that is not going to happen. 

I don't want to be the girl I was before: laying in bed for days on end and eating everything I could get my hands on. 

I refuse to be that person anymore.

 

I was told by my therapist to journal today and I consider this blog an online journal of sorts. So, here we go!

Last night I spoke to my brother, Jeremiah, over the phone. This conversation lit a fire in me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Depression is a horrible disease that affects more than we even realize.

Being the youngest/the "baby" my whole life, I never expected to see the day where my brother would talk to me like an adult. I didn't realize until my conversation with Jeremiah last night that he was talking to me like an adult because I'm ACTING like an adult. I'm making progress already and I couldn't be more proud of myself. 

I know that I have always had people in my corner, cheering me on, but I need to engage in the fight this time. I appreciate every last one of you that has supported me over the years. I can't even begin to thank you.

I'm going to continue to take it day by day.

I don't really have a reason for writing this post. The past few days haven't been particularly eventful save for one discharge (someone who I was starting to get close to), one new resident (my new roommate), a visit with my parents (which went really well, by the way), and a really rough group (I'm not allowed to go into detail, but it was really difficult). So, I guess, the past few days HAVE been eventful, crazy in fact.

On another note, this program puts a lot of emphasis on physical wellness as well as mental wellness. This has proven to be very difficult for me. We also eat relatively healthy here. I do feel as though my clothes are fitting me better/differently, but I haven't weighed myself (not that the number matters) so I have nothing to prove this. 

Having the support of my friends and family means everything. I have every card that was sent to me, on display in my room. I can't thank you enough for supporting me through a rough patch in my life.

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Update: The night I wrote this (last night) I fell down the stairs and bruised up both of my legs. I'm in a lot of physical pain currently.

Today, we went out to a local park that was teeming with daffodils. I spent the entire time sitting on a rock, taking photos and I thought I would share.

One of our staff members, Ron, snapping photos.

Feeling Tense

I started the day feeling very tense. We took a walk in the woods nearby and I felt triggered for no reason. I could only walk a quarter of the distance that the other girls did. While they walked through this beautiful landscape, I sat on a rock, looking out onto a river, watching the water cascade over the rocks. In this time, I had the first panic attack I've had since being in treatment (this time). I have no idea what it was that triggered this. I have absolutely no explanation. Here I was, surrounded by beautiful landscape, crippled by anxiety. 

This afternoon (like every Friday afternoon) we went bowling. Every week, we have a theme for what to put up on the scoreboard. This week was Disney characters (I was Rapunzel). We played music and we had the disco ball going (it's a lot less lame than it sounds). This was the perfect way to release the tension that I was feeling.  I didn't even care about the score (I honestly don't even remember what I ended the game with). I just let go of all of the stress and let myself have fun.

Today was the first anxiety filled day I've had here, but it definitely won't be the last. I'm learning to live in the moment and just let it go (go ahead. Sing it. You know I did). 

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is better.

xoxo, Sarah

Today was full of relaxing chats in the sunshine filled grass, giggles over dinner and a few tense moments tossed in for good measure. 

I'm really looking forward to my parents' visit on Sunday (I'm a tad bit apprehensive due to the fact that every time I've ever been in treatment, visits tend to go less than perfect. They usually end in tears on my end and frustration on my parents'). 

The magnolia tree in our side yard is in full bloom and I enjoy seeing the sun set behind it every evening. I cannot wait for my mom to see its beauty in person. It truly is a sight to be seen (and that's a lot coming from me seeing as I am not a nature loving person). 

I feel like I'm really starting to get close to the other residents here. In fact, one of them started jokingly calling me "Snuffles" due to my constant sniffling (my mom says I've had a stuffy nose since birth. I wish I was kidding). 

As a part of our program on Thursdays, they are taking us to the zoo tomorrow. Considering it is a very rural area, I'm not expecting much (especially since they don't even have an elephant, so I've been told. We all know how I feel about that). I'm still excited to blow off some steam and get out of the house. 

We also go bowling every Friday before dinner. Before last week, I hadn't been bowling in around a decade so needless to say, I'm terrible. But, hey, it's fun!

I am not sure how to wrap up this post except by saying that I feel as though I'm doing really well.

Thank you for your continued support!

I've been trying to get more acclimated here and stay off the phone and the computer the past few days. Part of my issue is my dependency on my parents. I'm really trying to make it a point to work on that. I have made it almost two days without calling them. It goes without saying that the want is definitely there, but I'm trying to be at the point where I don't need to see or speak to them every single day. There is a large part of me that is constantly waiting for my mom to call me (Mom, I know you are reading this. This does not mean that I want you to pick up the phone and call me now). This thought is constantly gnawing at the back of my mind. 

I've been trying to distract myself in various different ways (board games, joking around with the other girls etc), but it's still a gnawing thought. 

Overall, the energy during the weekdays is so much different than the weekday evenings or the weekends. It feels very tense at times so It's been nice to relax at dinner and not always be on our best behaviors (even though we do try, the giggles and inappropriate jokes still do happen). 

I'm really starting to enjoy it here (not gonna lie, the song from Annie just popped into my head after typing that) and it has finally dawned on me that the program is not going to work for me if I don't work the program. 

Thank you all for your continued support!

I started off today feeling very homesick. I was missing everything from my parents, to my dog, to my bed even (trust me, you would too if you knew how comfortable it was). I cried a lot this morning. 

This afternoon, we decided to go to a local park and play a bit of casual tennis. I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. If anyone knows me well, they know that I'm awful at any kind of sport (except maybe Quidditch, but you get the point). 

I've been getting really close to one of the girls here. She's a bit older than be and we deal with a lot of the same issues so she took me under her wing a bit. I decided to go with her on a walk before dinner this evening. They really stress the importance of physical activity here, and I am not enjoying that aspect of treatment thus far (and that is putting it nicely). With all of the hills, I would definitely have constituted this as a short hike. It kicked my butt. My entire lower half burns and halfway through, I thought I was about the have a panic attack because I felt so uncomfortable. Fortunately, I powered through! My lower half still feels like it's on fire but, hey! At least I tried, right?

I'm actually pretty proud of myself. Even within the week that I've been here, I have come a long way from spending days at a time binge eating while watching Netflix. 

I'm still at the beginning of my journey, and it's just going to get harder, but I'm getting a head start. And that feels amazing! 

Weekends Can be Boring, But Also Fun

Today is the first taste of the weekend that I'm getting around here. It's only 9 am and I'm already a bit bored. 

Today, We are going to the local Earth Day Festival. I don't really know what to expect. Having gone to an elementary school that focused very heavily on the environment, Earth Day has been burned into my memory. 

It is super chill around here. We still have our chores and things to do around the house, but overall, things are pretty relaxed. The weekdays get absolutely crazy, especially considering some group sessions can get pretty intense. 

I'm not too sure what to do with myself today except twiddle my thumbs, but I'll figure something out.

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Update: We just ate lunch (one of the girls made pasta primavera and it was delicious). 

It is really nice to just chill out. We have so many expectations throughout the week, so it's really nice to just hang out

xoxo, Sarah